Stay out of the meat aisle.

Standard
Stay out of the meat aisle.

Many of you are undoubtedly unaware of this, but if you are a man, public transportation can serve a double purpose.  It’s your meat market, too.

For some reason, being in the system is a free pass to evade all social norms regarding standard male-female interactions.  It suddenly becomes appropriate to shout crude things at women, honk horns, offer rides to strangers, and ogle.  I am selected, cut, wrapped, and sold on nearly a daily basis.

Here are a few tips to the ladies to stay out of the freezer:

Meat on a barbecue.

Who put Barbie on the barbie??

  1. Forget tight clothing.  Don’t even bother wearing clothes that fit at all.  Stick to baggy attire, leave the belts at home.  If you have leftover maternity-wear, try that.
  2. Wear your hair up.  Even better, just shave it all off.
  3. Use make-up appropriately.  Cosmetics don’t just have to be for looking beautiful.  Use eye shadow on other parts of your face to make you appear dirty.  Lip stick can be used to resemble open wounds.  I recommend acquiring a small Halloween face paint kit and getting creative!
  4. Don’t make eye contact.  In fact, just pretend you are blind.  And deaf.  And mute.
  5. Learn an exotic language.  Sometimes it’s best to just pretend you don’t speak English.  Take care to not accidentally speak to a native speaker of that language!

Ok, perhaps this post would better serve the male population.  How to interact with women while using public transport:

  1. Leave the one-liners at home. It gets old on the bus.  Try a casual, intelligent, insightful, natural conversation for a change.
  2. Consider her self-preservation.  Riding public transportation is a vulnerable to position to be in.  Potential assaults can put a girl on edge.  Your best shot would not involve making her more nervous.  Therefore, attempting to kidnap her by adamantly insisting on giving her a ride is not a good idea.  Also, chasing after her in your 3-ton SUV probably won’t work.   It’s sad that I have to write that, but…
  3. Don’t make superficial assumptions.  Guys assume that everyone is already hitting on the girls, so why bother?  That’s not the case.  The ones hitting on the attractive girls are the brazen, womanizing slobs.  If you’re a decent guy, you’re probably in the minority.  Give it a shot.
  4. Make eye contact and smile.  Despite the close proximity of everyone on the bus, these are oftentimes rare.  With this one small gesture, you may have already set yourself apart.
  5. I’m leaving number five blank.  I’d like to see what other feedback bus riding women have in the comments vvv below.  :)
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